There are times that my heart wants to give up, but my heart says no.
There are times that the things I used to be sure of, made me think twice and decide if it’s what I really want.
Sometimes, my heart wants to burst out.
Sometimes, I feel helpless.
And then frustration comes along.
I guess I just need a little break.
I’m out of words to describe how I feel. Or maybe I’m using that as an excuse for my lack of knowledge on turning these thoughts and feelings into words.
I want to go back to the time when I first met them. It was January 30, 2009. I want to go back to zero, start with a clean slate.
I should have dressed properly. Instead I wore pedal shorts and a jersey shirt, add the excruciatingly painful visual stimuli you will get when you look at my hair and voila, I looked horrible enough to scare them.
I wish I were prettier back then. My face could have made up for what bad my socially unacceptable fashion taste brought to them.
I regret breaking what I never thought I had from them: Trust. I never realized it was there until I ruined it. I was not conscious of its existence because I did not care so much back then. I don’t know if I will forget this in a hundred years, but surely, this is one of the worst things I have done in my life.
I want to feel welcome to their family as much as I have felt before. I want to feel as if I belong, that they are my second family, as much as I have felt before. I want to feel comfortable and happy with them, as much as I have felt before. I want to feel that they like me to be their in-law someday, as much as I have felt before I broke their trust on me.
I do not know if I’ll ever get that precious five-letter word back. I know they have forgiven me, but I also know that they won’t forget.